Queermas: an LGBTQ+ Guide for a Festive Season on Your Own Terms
Why this time of the year can be challenging for our community
The festive season can feel complicated for many LGBTQ+ people. Christmas is traditionally portrayed as twinkly lights, mince pies, log fires, snow—a time where families come together. But for some of us, end-of-year celebrations can mean returning to spaces or dynamics that don’t always feel safe or affirming.
That can bring up a dilemma with no easy answer: do you endure or opt out? You can keep trying by setting boundaries, or you can say no to things you don’t want to do. Either way, the choice is yours, and it’s okay to prioritise your wellbeing.
Setting boundaries is one way to preserve connections without sacrificing your wellbeing. It’s not selfish. It’s a way to look after yourself and build healthier relationships. While setting them might bring guilt, protecting your peace is always worth it. In this blog, we’ll explore how you can set and communicate boundaries in ways that feel clear, compassionate, and true to you.
How to set boundaries
Why set boundaries when they can feel so hard to set and hold?
Boundaries are a way of caring for yourself. They let you have relationships on your own terms and help keep connections without sacrificing yourself. They create a framework that protects you and give you the strength to step away if you need to, knowing you’ve done your best.
A good place to start is noticing what feels difficult. A general feeling of disrespect is hard to explain and easy for others to dismiss. Instead, try to name specific actions or words that hurt you to clearly express how others can respect you.
For example:
- If your siblings don’t use your chosen name and pronouns, what would feel respectful to you?
- If your parents keep pushing you toward a traditional heterosexual marriage despite your happy queer relationship, how could they better support your choices?
Being specific gives you clarity and makes your boundaries easier to communicate.
How to hold boundaries
Next, think about what happens if your boundaries are not respected. This part can feel the hardest because it often means thinking about consequences, like leaving a family event or taking a break from contact with someone. Those choices can feel drastic, and it’s normal to wonder how much grace to give someone you love.
Setting consequences is never easy. It can feel awful to enforce them, but protecting yourself is not a failing. It’s brave to step away from situations or people that hurt you, even if it feels heavy in the moment or afterwards. Making a plan for when a boundary is crossed can help you stick to your words, and remember to be kind to yourself in the aftermath.
How to communicate boundaries
When you’re ready to communicate your boundaries, it can help to think about what makes you feel clear and understood. For some people, taking a moment to breathe or speak slowly can make it easier to express what matters. Your feelings are real and important, even if they come out with anger, sadness, or fear. If it feels useful, you can try phrases like “I feel… when you…” to keep the focus on your experience rather than placing blame.
If speaking directly feels too hard, practice with a friend or in the mirror. Or write your thoughts in a letter or email. Writing things down gives both sides time and space to process and to respond thoughtfully.
Navigating conflict
Boundaries aren’t a guarantee that everything will feel smooth. Sometimes setting them brings awkwardness, tension, or even conflict before things (hopefully) improve. It’s okay if that feels uncomfortable. Relationships take time to adjust, and sometimes they don’t adjust at all.
There may come a point where setting boundaries shows you that no solution will work, or that you’re ready to step back entirely. That can feel like failure, but it isn’t. Choosing to stop trying is just as valid as choosing to keep trying.
Whatever happens, remember: maintaining relationships isn’t your responsibility alone. It’s not your job to fix everything, and it’s not your fault if things stay broken.
A festive season on your own terms
If traditional celebrations don’t work for you, that’s okay. For some of us, it means being far from family, or having no family to return to at all. It might mean grieving a partner or navigating housing insecurity. These realities can make the pressure to feel festive even heavier.
Make this time of the year look however you need it to. Create your own traditions, spend time with friends or chosen family, take a solo trip, volunteer, or simply rest.
If things feel hard, reach out for support. Talk to people you trust or contact resources like Switchboard. You’re not alone, and you deserve care.
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